(written 1/6/11)
upon beginning this new chapter of physical fitness, i knew there'd be push-ups. i knew because there are ALWAYS push-ups. it's one of the first movements a child is made aware of when they learn what the hell exercise is. and they for damn sure know what a push-up is if they play sports and can't keep their mouths shut when coach is talking or are guilty of habitual horseplay (which i was). from there, you associate the push-up with punishment. but as a kid, you can get away with a rapid full body bounce, something like a plank position dry hump. those were the only push-ups i could do before i found out what a real push-up was.
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a typical meg "push-up," circa oct 2008 |
maaaybe a year ago, i was watching that show on bravo with the dyked out gym owner who trains wealthy fat people. they're working out and complaining to alarming levels about doing push-ups. i scoffed! that was the lamest exercise and easiest to fake... just feverishly dry hump in a plank position. WRONG! she expected these people to get their chests to the ground and then push themselves back up. i had never done a push-up like that before. it didn't look too hard, so i hopped off the couch and gave it a go. one, i could barely ease myself down, and two, once down, there was absolutely no pushing myself back up. i never tried another push-up by my own design.
so there i am at the second intro class to this, not yet horrifying, group workout thing. i've already been to one class, where i've been desensitized to the facts that the guy leading us is young and not a toad, i'm an idiot, and everyone is stronger than me. i thought the worst was realized. he gives us a rundown of the workout, which happens to begin with push-ups. he eases our beginner minds by letting us know he doesn't expect we all can do standard push-ups. if need be, we can have our knees to the ground or use the bench to push from. then, almost under his breath, like he doesn't even think he needs to say it, but it's standard to say it, so he'll do so fleetingly; he points to a tall stack of tires in the corner and says we could even push from those. that sad stack in the corner.
somehow, we all ended up in some kind of circle at the start of the workout. all facing each other, he tells us to get in a couple push-ups. we drop and i couldn't get one! i couldn't push my own body weight off the ground. probably the most basic movement for any kind of survival is getting yourself off the ground. it was my ultimate nightmare come true... attempting push-ups in front of people. so off to the bench i went. down... wait for it... i couldn't do one! over to that sad stack in the corner. it was for six weeks that i was doing push-ups from what was essentially a standing position. there are a lot of things i can't do at this place, but that was the most demoralizing. i didn't get called up to the majors and start getting my fuck on until i tried a push-up outside of this place.
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miami, dec 2010 |
on a dancefloor in miami, jose and i dropped and gave them [unknown number]! i barely remembered doing this and was sure that, if anything, it was a good ol' fashioned dry hump push-up. well, a video later viewed of it happening showed me that, no, it was the closest thing i've ever done to a legitimate push-up BY FAR. while i'm sure the largest chunk of my previous inability was my lack of strength, i will admit, for the first time ever, my head trip was contributing to my physical failure. i haven't been back to that tire pile since. i max out at five legitimate push-ups unbroken, but i can do 'em with my knees to the ground all day! and for right now, that's got me satisfied.
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